Today, I got lunch at an established oriental food joint here in NYC (Teriyaki Boy for anyone interested). Because of racial profiling, 99% of the time I am given what every other blond-haired blue-eyed guy usually gets: a fork. Today, however, I was given chopsticks…nothing but chopsticks.
I come from the midwest. You know, Wisconsin. There aren’t many chopsticks in the state of Wisconsin. Don’t need ‘em to eat cheese, y’know. Sticks are for roasting marshmallows. And building fires, houses and barns. Or to steady yourself while walking through the woods. Also, the pointy end is a good thing to poke in your brother’s eye, like ma always said. Whatever. Point is, I’ve never bothered to learn how to use them to eat with.
So anyway, instead of running to the kitchen to find some proper utensils, to defy my germanic roots I decided to use these strange sticks to somehow funnel salmon teriyaki and rice into my mouth. It wasn’t pretty, and more rice ended up on my desk and lap than in my mouth, but I did eventually finish. It didn’t take all that much longer than normal, either. Still, they don’t really make all that much sense to me (kinda like the scales that were left on one side of the fish, or when they leave the legs and shell on shrimp–bleh) but I suppose they do work…inefficiently! Perhaps an adept at chopsticks can improve on the efficiency, but I can’t imagine them ever holding a candle to the fork which pierces and holds food securely.
Before we start on that old line about chopsticks improving authenticity of the food if you’re eating Chinese, Japanese, Thai or whatever…that’s just silly talk. In essence, that is the equivalent of saying using a straw improves the authenticity of drinking milk.
Well, it could have been a horrible disaster of a lunch, but turned out okay. Plus I accomplished something I may have never done on my own. And yes, there is a moral, but you have to figure that out on your own. 
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